Stages of Development

Yesterday in my MOPS group (for which I am a been-there-done-that Mentor Mom) my friend Elaine shared with the moms about the stages of development their young children will go through, how to gage their child's progress and what to do when they hit a bump in the road. I wish I had received such wise advice as Elaine gave when I was raising my preschoolers. She reminded moms that they are their child's number one teacher and advocate - they know their children better than anyone else. She also reminded them of the power of a mom. "Let your face light up each time your child walks in the room," she said. "Your children notice this and it boosts them tremendously. Children, even adult children, crave their mother's approval."

As I listened to Elaine's presentation and later took part in a small discussion group on the same topic, I kept silent for the most part. When the moms talked about their favorite stage of development and their least favorite stage, I held my tongue. Those days seem like so long ago; I didn't really have the right to put in my two cents. I remember when my children were that young feeling like they would be young forever. I couldn't see past diapers, nursing, tiny tennis shows, sippy cups, and plump little cheeks. I watched anxiously for my children to roll over, crawl, cruise around the furniture and then walk. I listened for first words, sentences, original thoughts, and questions. I watched their feet grow longer and their hair grow coarser. I heard their voices change and measured their weight gains. But that was the limit of my knowledge of developmental stages. Sure, I knew in the back of my mind that they would grow into school aged children, teenagers and eventually adults. But those stages scared me, so I gave them little thought.

But as I sat among these young moms yesterday, I held a precious secret close to my heart, careful not to share it at the inappropriate time. They were relishing the sweet innocence and even the seemingly huge struggles of raising babies and preschoolers. I wasn't about to burst their pastel colored bubbles. Still, I smiled because I know the hurdles and the tremendous victories that lie ahead of these moms, even though they've probably given them little thought...and they don't need to yet.

My children are tall. They are both as tall or taller than me. They wear big clothes that cause me to have to wash many loads of laundry each week. At times they smell really strange (both the clothes and my children!). Their toys are no longer strewn over the family room floor, but they litter my office and the kitchen counter - things like Ipods, multiple purses, tennis rackets, cell phones, CDs, novels, and car keys. Little shoes no longer hide in hard to find places. Instead I trip over their big shoes and wish they were tucked away out of sight. While my children seemingly need me less, their presence in our home has not diminished, but grown.

My kids continue to grow through stages of development and these stages cause me just as much worry and stress as potty training and introducing new foods. (In fact, we're still introducing new foods!) We've been through the "she's not my friend anymore" stage and the "well, of course we're still friends" stage. We've shaved for the first time, talked about "becoming a woman", become a woman, talked about why we don't use words that "everybody else" uses, learned to select clothes that are "appropriate" in the junior department (Lord, help!), and learned to write thank you notes. My kids are in stages right now - some that I hope stick and others that I pray every night will be gone by the next morning. I would never tell those Mothers of Preschoolers about the angry stage, the "I don't like you" stage, the "come home and go in your room and close the door" stage, the dirty clothes all over the floor stage, the clean clothes all over the floor stage, the "I'll get a haircut next week" stage, the learning to drive stage, the "You don't understand me" stage, the "Could you just give me the money you'd spend on me and let me stay home from the family vacation?" stage or the stage where they can't seem to wake up to an alarm clock to save their life! But fortunately these difficult stages are off set and put into glorious perspective with some wonderful stages: the stage where the 17-year-old boy still wants to hold your hand while you walk along, the stage where the 14-year-old girl spontaneously tells you she loves you and when you ask what she did wrong (because she must have done something wrong!) she looks at you blankly and sincerely says "nothing." You get to look forward to the day the older brother tells the younger sister, who is about to enter high school, that she needs to be her own person and not follow the crowd. And you get to anticipate the day your teenage daughter actually agrees with your selection of an appropriate and lovely Easter dress.

Right now I ache for my children to get through some stages successfully. I want my daughter to realize that it's ok to wear the same dress to church twice in the span of one month. I want my son to not be offended by questions. I want my children to realize money doesn't grow on trees and it's not going to grow at all if you keep spending it so quickly. I'm trying to teach them to be more respectful, more appreciative, more loving, and more concerned about others. They're getting there...slowly.

Indeed, stages don't end when your child enters kindergarten. The hurdles just get bigger, harder, more challenging, and sometimes more glorious. But I see no need to share this somewhat daunting information with mothers of preschoolers. They'll find out soon enough. Meanwhile, I count my blessings every time I see my children pass another milestone. They're growing up...still.

Transitions

Today I had the opportunity to talk with my MOPS group about "Life After Preschoolers." What a thrill - not only because I always enjoy sharing time with these young moms, but because we got to hash out a subject close to my heart. I still remember how confusing and difficult it was for me to decide what I should do once my daughter started to kindergarten.

Well, we discussed the matter for over an hour, so I'm not going to try to cover the whole conversation here and now. But I'll give you a few of the nuggets we all walked away with:

• It's a myth that "I can have it all!" The truth is "I may get to have it all, but probably not all at the same time. And I may not ever get to have it all!" But you know, life is not about me getting it all. It's not about acquiring possessions, or success, or degrees, or positions. Life is about fulfilling God's plan for me. There is nothing sweeter or more completing than that!
• Whatever else I may be, I am first and foremost, a servant to my family. Wow! That sounds really demeaning, but the truth is that Jesus told us the greatest position we can ever hold is that of a servant. And Titus 2:5 tells me I am to be a keeper of my home. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and do it in a snazzy Channel suit, but part of my God-given purpose is to serve my family and keep my home. If I don't do that well, that bacon grease is going to start smelling!
• I need to have a plan. If I stay home and do not work full-time, I'll need to plan what I am going to do so that I stay industrious, productive, and frugal! If I work outside the home, I need to plan for how I'll take care of my home, my children, the pets, etc. Without a plan, I'm just asking for frustration. With a plan, I'll be more likely to fulfill God's plan with creativity and style!
• My children need me no matter what age they are. Parenting does not end when my children enter kindergarten. In fact, for me, it just began at that point. I love my children more now than I ever did when they were toddling around in diapers. They were darling then, but they have so much personality, potential, and promise now. I love spending time just listening to Daniel play his guitar and I'm thrilled to watch Abigail light up a stage. I'm mad about them and I intend to give them my very best every day. With teenagers, that often means I have to be available when they're ready "to let me in a little." I urged moms to stay available no matter what career path they take. It's worth it.
• Be true to yourself. If God leads you to work full-time, make a plan for your family and do it with gusto! If you feel led to work part-time to bring in a little extra income (like I do), work out that balance and go for it! And if God keeps you at home where you can keep the home fires burning 'round the clock, make no apologies and enjoy! As long as you and your husband are in agreement, you need explain your decision to no one else. Don't let the world's standards get you down and don't let any elitist group make you feel "less than." You just be true to yourself.

Transitions are tough aren't they? But they're oh so necessary. They're what propels us forward many times. Instead of dreading the transition staring at you - whether it be preschoolers entering kindergarten, children heading off to college, or grandchildren entering the world - count it as a blessing. God has a plan. And it's good!

Of MOPS and Mentors

I spent the morning with one of my favorite groups of people - one of my two MOPS groups. No, I wasn't cleaning house. They're not that kind of mops. MOPS are Mothers of Preschoolers. And, no, I'm not a mother of a preschooler. I'm a Mentor Mom. That's a "been there, done that, don't give up, you do get to sleep again one day" mom. I prefer that definition to the less flattering one: older mom with a slower metabolism and more wrinkles.

When my children were preschoolers I actually ached to be in a MOPS group. I would listen to the little MOPS moment on the radio where Elisa Morgan, the founder of MOPS, would assure me, "Mom, you're worth it!" Occasionally I would try to locate a MOPS group in my area, but I could never find one. I didn't realize that I could actually start a group with a little ingenuity and will power. So I struggled along, hundreds of miles from my mom and close girl friends. I desperately needed some MOPS to come alongside me, befriend me, swap stories with me, and chill out with me. But that never really happened.

On the other hand, I did find a number of Mentor Moms. Not affiliated with the MOPS organization of course, but mentors and moms all the same. Most of these women were years ahead of me, some with grown children and grandchildren. Women like Pearl, Evelyn, Nita, Susan, Beverly, Eunice, and Mary in Bowdon, Georgia, helped me wade through my first few years of mothering. They were my friends, my shopping buddies, my neighbors, my babysitters, and my spiritual mentors. They assured me, prayed for me, taught me things, doted on me and laughed with me. And when I suffered from extreme morning sickness with my second pregnancy, they would take Daniel off my hands for a few hours so I could sleep and vomit. They were absolute treasures.

When I moved from Georgia to Texas and left my mother behind, I desperately sought the companionship of MOPS again, but to no avail. Still, I found more Mentor Moms. Frances would take Daniel to eat pancakes and feed the ducks while I had some "me" time. She also taught me how to make play dough, how to clean my oven, and how to make meatloaf. Beverly and Marillas would take me to lunch and assure me my children were normal. Cindy lead me in aerobics and prayed for me. Barbara took my children to Mickey D's while I taught Bible studies. Patty played with my children and invited my family for Thanksgiving dinner. Janice would buy me little gifts and take me to tour old homes and botanical gardens. And that's only a few of the names and precious acts of service. There are so many more!

I never got to be a part of MOPS, but I had Mentor Moms galore - probably more than my fair share. And I loved every one of them to pieces! Is it any wonder then that eight years later God would lead me to my first MOPS group so that I could officially be, not a MOP, but a Mentor Mom? I obviously owe a debt and now I have the privilege of paying back. While I sometimes feel like I don't have much to offer, I am determined to do at least the one thing each of my mentors did for me so well: I'm going to be available and willing.

What has God blessed you with an abundance of? Have you traveled the road side by side with others who are at the same point on the path as you? Or have you, like me, been accompanied by more friends who are a few steps ahead? I'd love to hear about your experiences. Meanwhile, thank God for the blessing of companions, whether they be fellow travelers or seasoned veterans. It's good to know someone is on the road with you.

PS - For more info on MOPS, visit http://www.mops.org/