Stages of Development

Yesterday in my MOPS group (for which I am a been-there-done-that Mentor Mom) my friend Elaine shared with the moms about the stages of development their young children will go through, how to gage their child's progress and what to do when they hit a bump in the road. I wish I had received such wise advice as Elaine gave when I was raising my preschoolers. She reminded moms that they are their child's number one teacher and advocate - they know their children better than anyone else. She also reminded them of the power of a mom. "Let your face light up each time your child walks in the room," she said. "Your children notice this and it boosts them tremendously. Children, even adult children, crave their mother's approval."

As I listened to Elaine's presentation and later took part in a small discussion group on the same topic, I kept silent for the most part. When the moms talked about their favorite stage of development and their least favorite stage, I held my tongue. Those days seem like so long ago; I didn't really have the right to put in my two cents. I remember when my children were that young feeling like they would be young forever. I couldn't see past diapers, nursing, tiny tennis shows, sippy cups, and plump little cheeks. I watched anxiously for my children to roll over, crawl, cruise around the furniture and then walk. I listened for first words, sentences, original thoughts, and questions. I watched their feet grow longer and their hair grow coarser. I heard their voices change and measured their weight gains. But that was the limit of my knowledge of developmental stages. Sure, I knew in the back of my mind that they would grow into school aged children, teenagers and eventually adults. But those stages scared me, so I gave them little thought.

But as I sat among these young moms yesterday, I held a precious secret close to my heart, careful not to share it at the inappropriate time. They were relishing the sweet innocence and even the seemingly huge struggles of raising babies and preschoolers. I wasn't about to burst their pastel colored bubbles. Still, I smiled because I know the hurdles and the tremendous victories that lie ahead of these moms, even though they've probably given them little thought...and they don't need to yet.

My children are tall. They are both as tall or taller than me. They wear big clothes that cause me to have to wash many loads of laundry each week. At times they smell really strange (both the clothes and my children!). Their toys are no longer strewn over the family room floor, but they litter my office and the kitchen counter - things like Ipods, multiple purses, tennis rackets, cell phones, CDs, novels, and car keys. Little shoes no longer hide in hard to find places. Instead I trip over their big shoes and wish they were tucked away out of sight. While my children seemingly need me less, their presence in our home has not diminished, but grown.

My kids continue to grow through stages of development and these stages cause me just as much worry and stress as potty training and introducing new foods. (In fact, we're still introducing new foods!) We've been through the "she's not my friend anymore" stage and the "well, of course we're still friends" stage. We've shaved for the first time, talked about "becoming a woman", become a woman, talked about why we don't use words that "everybody else" uses, learned to select clothes that are "appropriate" in the junior department (Lord, help!), and learned to write thank you notes. My kids are in stages right now - some that I hope stick and others that I pray every night will be gone by the next morning. I would never tell those Mothers of Preschoolers about the angry stage, the "I don't like you" stage, the "come home and go in your room and close the door" stage, the dirty clothes all over the floor stage, the clean clothes all over the floor stage, the "I'll get a haircut next week" stage, the learning to drive stage, the "You don't understand me" stage, the "Could you just give me the money you'd spend on me and let me stay home from the family vacation?" stage or the stage where they can't seem to wake up to an alarm clock to save their life! But fortunately these difficult stages are off set and put into glorious perspective with some wonderful stages: the stage where the 17-year-old boy still wants to hold your hand while you walk along, the stage where the 14-year-old girl spontaneously tells you she loves you and when you ask what she did wrong (because she must have done something wrong!) she looks at you blankly and sincerely says "nothing." You get to look forward to the day the older brother tells the younger sister, who is about to enter high school, that she needs to be her own person and not follow the crowd. And you get to anticipate the day your teenage daughter actually agrees with your selection of an appropriate and lovely Easter dress.

Right now I ache for my children to get through some stages successfully. I want my daughter to realize that it's ok to wear the same dress to church twice in the span of one month. I want my son to not be offended by questions. I want my children to realize money doesn't grow on trees and it's not going to grow at all if you keep spending it so quickly. I'm trying to teach them to be more respectful, more appreciative, more loving, and more concerned about others. They're getting there...slowly.

Indeed, stages don't end when your child enters kindergarten. The hurdles just get bigger, harder, more challenging, and sometimes more glorious. But I see no need to share this somewhat daunting information with mothers of preschoolers. They'll find out soon enough. Meanwhile, I count my blessings every time I see my children pass another milestone. They're growing up...still.

Transitions

Today I had the opportunity to talk with my MOPS group about "Life After Preschoolers." What a thrill - not only because I always enjoy sharing time with these young moms, but because we got to hash out a subject close to my heart. I still remember how confusing and difficult it was for me to decide what I should do once my daughter started to kindergarten.

Well, we discussed the matter for over an hour, so I'm not going to try to cover the whole conversation here and now. But I'll give you a few of the nuggets we all walked away with:

• It's a myth that "I can have it all!" The truth is "I may get to have it all, but probably not all at the same time. And I may not ever get to have it all!" But you know, life is not about me getting it all. It's not about acquiring possessions, or success, or degrees, or positions. Life is about fulfilling God's plan for me. There is nothing sweeter or more completing than that!
• Whatever else I may be, I am first and foremost, a servant to my family. Wow! That sounds really demeaning, but the truth is that Jesus told us the greatest position we can ever hold is that of a servant. And Titus 2:5 tells me I am to be a keeper of my home. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and do it in a snazzy Channel suit, but part of my God-given purpose is to serve my family and keep my home. If I don't do that well, that bacon grease is going to start smelling!
• I need to have a plan. If I stay home and do not work full-time, I'll need to plan what I am going to do so that I stay industrious, productive, and frugal! If I work outside the home, I need to plan for how I'll take care of my home, my children, the pets, etc. Without a plan, I'm just asking for frustration. With a plan, I'll be more likely to fulfill God's plan with creativity and style!
• My children need me no matter what age they are. Parenting does not end when my children enter kindergarten. In fact, for me, it just began at that point. I love my children more now than I ever did when they were toddling around in diapers. They were darling then, but they have so much personality, potential, and promise now. I love spending time just listening to Daniel play his guitar and I'm thrilled to watch Abigail light up a stage. I'm mad about them and I intend to give them my very best every day. With teenagers, that often means I have to be available when they're ready "to let me in a little." I urged moms to stay available no matter what career path they take. It's worth it.
• Be true to yourself. If God leads you to work full-time, make a plan for your family and do it with gusto! If you feel led to work part-time to bring in a little extra income (like I do), work out that balance and go for it! And if God keeps you at home where you can keep the home fires burning 'round the clock, make no apologies and enjoy! As long as you and your husband are in agreement, you need explain your decision to no one else. Don't let the world's standards get you down and don't let any elitist group make you feel "less than." You just be true to yourself.

Transitions are tough aren't they? But they're oh so necessary. They're what propels us forward many times. Instead of dreading the transition staring at you - whether it be preschoolers entering kindergarten, children heading off to college, or grandchildren entering the world - count it as a blessing. God has a plan. And it's good!

A Blast Through the Past

Friday night the women's ministry of our church hosted a spectacular event called "A Journey Through the Decades." It was a real hit, so I want to share it with you, gentle reader.

We had over 100 ladies ranging in age from 22 to 96 gather for a fun evening of reminiscing over the decades of our lives and sharing a delicious meal. All the ladies sat at tables specified for their birth decade. For instance, I sat at one of four tables for ladies born in the 1960s. Our four tables were decorated with tie-dyed fabric and one of the icons from the 60s, the bright yellow smiley face. We were given the option of dressing in the fashions of our decade and several of the ladies born in the 60s wore peasant blouses, love beads, mod pants, head bands, and go-go boots. We were a scream!

We had designated tables for ladies born in each decade from 1910 to 1980. The earlier decade tables were mostly decorated with antiques and photos, wartime memorabilia, and pretty laces. The 50s donned an old-fashioned record player, LPs, and a hilarious beehive wig. The 70s tables displayed album covers from that decade and lava lamps. And the 80s centerpieces were collections of McDonald's Happy Meal toys and other bright colored memorabilia from that decade.

The "costumes" were lively and hilarious. Many did an excellent job of typifying the colors, hairstyles, shoes, and accessories of their decade. The funny thing is, many of the "costumes" were actually retro clothing that is fashionable even today!

We had a delicious pasta meal prepared by our youth minister, Dennis Houston, and his crew. We topped it off with a variety of cheesecakes. After dinner we took a stroll down memory lane with trivia questions from each decade and decade-appropriate prizes for the best costumes from each time period. Then came the highlight of the night.

Several of our oldest ladies had agreed to be interviewed about how God had been faithful to them through the decades of their lives. One hundred ladies listened with awe and appreciation as beautiful women in their 80s and 90s told of how God had walked them through victories and losses in their lives. They were absolutely splendid. What a testimony for the younger women in our church! We so rarely slow down long enough to hear anyone else's story, much less the stories of those who are decades older than us. We may even begin to think that what they have to say would be irrelevant to us. Shame on us. These lovely ladies have so much to offer.

The thing about this particular event is, besides be beautifully decorated and fun, it provided our women an opportunity to "get together" like never before. While we sat, ate, and visited mostly with women our own ages, we gained an appreciation for the women older and younger than ourselves. We saw them grouped in their distinct generations, remembered the world as it was when they were born, and walked away feeling a little more connected because, after all, we're all women. When you consider the world the women of the 10s and 20s were born into and the decades they have traveled through as they grew up, married, and raised their families, and then compare that life to the lives led by our ladies born in the 80s, you appreciate the different vantage points from which we assess life. You see that each generation would only logically have different perspectives, dreams, and, yes, hang-ups. But you also see that each generation is valuable, strong, beautiful and important to the next generations. We all have a story, shaded by our generation and the world as we have known it, but unique to us individually.

Enough of my pontificating! I want you to see how fun this event was! Enjoy the pics and let me know what you think. I'm including a few here and a slide show over to the right. If you're interested in hosting an event like this, let me know and I can provide more details.


Me in my retro 60s coat I bought at Dillards just last week for my birthday.


Stephanie interviews Vi and Evelyn, two of our oldest ladies. They were a hoot!


Girls of the 80s.


Stephanie (70s), Me (60s) & Dawn (70s)


Abby was born in the 90s but digs the 70s.


Amira decorated the 60s tables.


Jessica is a child of the 80s.


Katie sports the beehive wig that served as a centerpiece for a 50s table.

It's a Dog's Life!

We watched one of my very favorite old movies last night. I had found it accidentally at Hastings the other night and was beside myself with joy! I have not seen this movie since before Daniel was born (over 17 years ago) and had decided I must have dreamed it up because I never saw anything about it again and no one seemed to have heard of it either. The name of the movie is "If a Man Answers" and it stars Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin. While many would consider it quite old fashioned and maybe even chauvinistic, I think it's charming!

The movie tells the story of Chantal (Sandra Dee) and her quest to be a good wife to Mr. Wright (Bobby Darin). Her mother, a lovely French woman, gives her wise, but hilarious advice. Included in this advice is her tip to treat her husband like a dog. She even gives her a well-worn book about training man's best friend. At first Chantal is repulsed by the idea of training her husband as she would a dog, but her savvy mother convinces her that many people actually treat their pets better than a husband. I think she's got something there! Chantal proceeds to teach her "pet" to come on command, do as he is told, and follow her "on a leash" by employing a few dog training techniques. She rewards her husband profusely, speaks firmly but gently to him, and makes obedience worth his while!

Now, lest you think I believe men are nothing but dogs, think again. Chantal treats her husband extremely well. In fact, Chantal's mother has told her on her wedding day, "Do not go into love demanding that it not disappoint you. Do not disappoint love." (Of course she says it with a smooth French accent!) She's telling Chantal, you see, to be a giver and not a taker in her marriage. And if you consider the advice carefully you will see that indeed the pet owner who wants an obedient, controlled, and affectionate dog is one who gives love and attention to his pet, provides all of his basic needs, and is consistent and trustworthy. Isn't that what is needed in a good marriage as well?

Marriage is a blessing, but it can be a bit testy too. It requires selflessness, being aware of the other person's needs, being consistent, and giving lots of love and attention, even when you don't feel like it. Like Chantal in "If a Man Answers," I've found that the happiness I get in my marriage is more directly correlated to how I treat my husband than to how he treats me. If I'm constantly holding out my empty cup and expecting him to fill it, I'm going to be disappointed. But if I get my cup filled from the One who always has living water to spare (John 4:13-14) and then I generously give from the overflow to my husband, we're both satisfied and no one is pouting over unmet, unrealistic expectations. This is a lesson I have learned, but, I must admit, I do not always practice it!

Now my little movie won't fix major marriage problems, but if you're just struggling with a little resentment, weariness, or boredom in your marriage, consider hunting down "If a Man Answers." I found it at Hastings. Pop the video in, pop some popcorn, and plop down on the sofa with your honey. I think you'll find it charming and fun. The women's clothes are fun too! Let me know what you think of the movie!

I'm Starving!

Just thought everyone should know that I am starving! Like most Americans in the month of February, I am trying to lose a few pounds before spring. I've actually never tried quite as hard as I am right now. Usually I just pump up my exercise efforts a little bit, but continue to eat whatever I darn please. Not this time. This time I've really cut back on eating. I'm watching my fat and calorie intake and increasing my fiber, protein, and calcium intakes. Meanwhile, I am walking really fast most every day I possibly can. I'm starving! Did I tell you that already? (No, I'm not literally starving and you don't need to worry that I'm not eating enough. That has never been a problem with me. I'm eating every calorie I'm allowed, believe me!)

So today the greatest blessings to me seem to be things like mealtime, legal snacks, bedtime, and slightly looser waistbands. I'm thrilled with things like tomato soup, crystal light, double fiber bread, coffee with fat-free creamer, and fruit. I'm starving!

Funny thing is that I haven't really craved the foods that I can't have - chocolate, cake, cookies, cheese, etc. (Have you noticed that you can't eat anything that starts with a C when dieting? - Cake, Cookies, Cheese, Creamed Potatoes, Canelloni, Custard!) Sure I'd love to have some of those. But what I crave is simply more of what I can have - more skim milk, more salad, more fiber rich bagels, more yogurt, etc. Interesting. That makes me think of another possibility. Could it be that if we put ourselves on a steady and healthy diet of God's Word, prayer, meditation, worship, and ministry, that we would also crave more of those wonderful things, instead of craving the unhealthy things of this world - TV shows, silly novels, clothes, beauty products, etc.? I have a feeling a steady diet of godliness breeds a greater desire for godliness. Why don't we all give it a try and see what happens. Our waist bands may not shrink any, but I bet we'll all be able to say with a holy shout, "I'm starving!" and God will smile, nod His head and say, "Now that's My kind of diet!" And then He'll gladly give us our daily bread. Fortunately we can have all of that kind of bread we want and never gain a pound. What a blessing!

Hey, I'm starving!

Beginnings

Yesterday we began our Winter/Spring semester of Bible studies for our women's ministry at church. I have the privilege of teaching two classes full of wonderful women - one in the morning and one in the evening. Yesterday we began "Lord, Teach Me to Pray" by Kay Arthur. While I started out teaching Precept Bible studies about 17 years ago, it's been about 4 years since I last taught one, so it's nice to see Kay on my video screen again. I've missed her. Later in the semester we'll shift gears just a tad and do Priscilla Shirer's "Discerning the Voice of God." I think this is a great combo because first we're learning to talk to God, then we'll learn to hear from Him! What do you think?!

I absolutely love teaching Bible studies. Never do I feel more alive, more useful, more humbled, and more joyful than when I am teaching the Bible, in whatever format. But I do love teaching my Wednesday groups (we call them WOW Wednesdays because our women's ministry is called Women of Worth) the best. I get to know them, they talk back, and they treat me so well. I've been teaching 1-3 Bible studies almost continuously for 17 years and I have had the complete privilege of studying with so many interesting, godly and lovely women. They have blessed me to pieces and I can't get enough! I have watched women be absolutely transformed by the Word of God. I have watched women deal with the grief of losing a spouse, suffer through chemotherapy treatments, struggle through a divorce, and ache over prodigal children, all while hanging onto every concept God was teaching them through His Word. I have watched Him be their anchor. I have also watched newby Christians become mature in their faith. I've seen enthusiastic new converts invite their friends to find what they had found. And I've watched mothers bring daughters and daughters-in-law into the wonderful world of Bible study. What a joy!

I am praying for great things to happen to these 50+ women I am teaching on Wednesday. I know God has so much in store for them. I am praying that they will keep their commitments to study each day, to draw near to Him daily. I am praying for teachable spirits, for we all have some hang-ups we need to deal with. And I am praying for results, life-changing results. That's the kind of God we have and that's how powerful His Word is.

No Plain Jane

Tonight Abby and I watched a wonderful Jane Austen movie on Masterpiece Theater. The movie was based on Austen's Persuasion, a powerful story of the battle between love and external influences. I found it hard to believe the producers could do justice to one of Austen's novels in just 1 1/2 hours when it took a whole series some years ago to tell the story of Pride and Prejudice. However, I was quite pleased with the results. The movie was beautiful and stuck close to the author's intent.

The amazing thing is that Austen, a woman who never married, lived a rather sheltered life, and died in her early 40s could have written with such keen perception and an unparalleled grasp of human nature. While her books often depict characters who are shallow and petty, Austen herself must have been extremely thoughtful, imaginative, and deep. Reading her books or watching the movies based on them gives you the opportunity to do far more than see how people lived in the late 1700s to early 1800s. It gives you a glimpse into their minds, some provocatively deep and others pitifully vain and empty. How did she do that?

Amazingly Jane Austen never enjoyed her own success. Unless she has a window from heaven, she has no idea of her fame. Her books continue to be read with fervor and appreciation hundreds of years after she has passed on from a seemingly insignificant life. That makes me wonder about the impact we are making on this earth now. Could it be that some of us are accomplishing far more than we could know at this point? Could it be that we are raising children who will be leaders, inventors, teachers, preachers, or scientists of unique stature? Or perhaps we are writing words that will one day touch a heart and the next touch a nation. Maybe we are building buildings, chartering organizations, or educating students that will continue to make a great mark on the future. Who knows?

This one thing I do know: we leave a print behind. Whether that print be small and almost unnoticeable, huge and hard-to-miss, or somewhat ordinary but unique all the same, we leave our mark on this world. Some of us leave more positive marks behind while others leave scars. A few of us set out to make a specific mark, but most of us just leave prints behind somewhat accidentally, like the fingerprints on my sliding glass door. Still they are marks.

Considering that you have no way of knowing what lasting impact you may be making on this world today, I encourage you to at least leave a holy mark - a mark of godliness in an ungodly world. May you and I determine to leave no marks behind that will cause pain or embarrassment, but only marks of love, kindness, grace, hope, and truth. And then, like Jane Austen, we may have the opportunity to inspire the generations to come with the simple things we did to the glory of God.

P.S. check out the rest of the Masterpiece Theater productions of the Jane Austen works at http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/masterpiece/
They run through April 6th and are well worth watching.